I'm feeling so close to breaking down from this depression. In one moment I feel like it's caused by one thing, like financial difficulties, and in another moment I simply feel overwhelmed with my own powerlessness. Funny thing is, I feel a certain amount of self-empowerment for certain things. I'm more affected by my lack of power in large, global issues - wanting stupid people to either learn to think or shut the fuck up; people who are oppressed.
I get really depressed when I think about my kids. Mostly it's because I think I'm ruining them and I think I should never have had them, because I'm such a rotten mom. And I feel bad if I say 'I should never have had them' because that sounds so cruel. But then, I often think my parents should never have gotten married - that they both took the wrong path ... Of course if they hadn't I wouldn't be here, but then I wouldn't know it if I weren't here, so what's the difference? In the same way, if I had never had my children I wouldn't have ever known them and thus wouldn't know they were missing.
But they are here, and much of the time I just don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I know what I SHOULD do and then don't follow through on it. For example, I suspect I could turn certain things around if we all three would just stop consuming sugar ... then I buy them sodas. I'm such a weak suck.
I'm also frustrated over issues with health care providers. The story of getting a colonoscopy is enormously vexing, and I'm hoping against hope that everything goes well Monday and I won't have to deal with these people ever again. And I put in a call to Urgent Care yesterday and haven't heard back from them - about 24 hours now. So, anyway, I just called back and got confirmation that I can just walk in Monday morning and get all my orders taken care of. That's a relief, anyway.
The psychiatrist suggested I read a book, The Dance of Anger. Got it from the library and have started skimming it. So far it's not really telling me anything new, but perhaps these are some things I have not really thought about lately. For some reason I'm not feeling quite as hopeless as I did when I started writing this. Two small things I did were to clean a container I had put on the porch and straighten the paper bags that were thrown into a corner. Perhaps by taking similar small steps it can help a little.
